I sit here reflecting about the things and the ways God is teaching me and revealing more and more to me as the days go by. Things that aren`t always easy to know.
As I read other wonderful bloggers...its so hard to wonder why I am even bothering. Why don`t I just journal and shut this whole thing down. I don`t blog for more people to read. I don`t blog to promote my writing or to one day land a book deal. I don`t even hardly blog to communicate to my friends because most of them don`t even read it. So blogging has just been a way to recount who and where I am at a certain stage of my life. I like re reading things I wrote. I like remembering the stages by the little blurbs and pictures I put up. I am not trying to impress anyone but I sometimes let my fingers just hover with wondering...should I write what I really want to write...or try to think of some cute activity I did lately to make my blog more interesting. But I know the ones who read it really like me and if they are taking the time to read, then what I write is enough!
My heart has been reflecting a lot about Romans lately. I think about it all the time, chat with anyone who will listen, research other blogs, read/listen up on my most trusted spiritual mentors, listen to youtube sermons or clips and re-read the passages over and over.
So what is my conundrums...what really makes me squirm lately?
Basically, I've been struggling through Romans 14-16. We've been discussing and talking about the weaker vs. stronger brother/sister in faith and what accepting looks/feels like and how to avoid the people who cause "divisions and upset people's faith".
I have come to see myself as a weaker sister in some areas and also realized there are many battles that simply just don't affect me. I don't care about hymns vs worship songs (although I love hymns better!!!). I don't care about drums or styles (although church music really isn't my fave). I don't drink alcohol and I'm not bothered by Christians who drink responsibly. I don't like being around drunk people at all, but I have been in many social settings the only one who was sipping a Pepsi (especially when I lived in Japan).
There are things that really do rile me up. Living and allowing yourself to be known in the church community beyond people that know you well and accept you...is hard. We joined a small group, and it has revealed my passionate side...and brought up very familiar feelings of frustration and discouragement that I often feel when I am in a small group. This isn't really a reflection of the group, but more me and how I interact with people with different views. I came across this quote on FB the other day:
"Friends become wiser together through a healthy clash of viewpoints" ---Tim Keller
I can honestly say that the person that I learn this the most from is Danny. We are about as opposite as you can get and we have come a LONG way from where and who we were 3 years ago. I have seen us work through a lot if issues and we continue to have disagreements and discussions on all manners of things, but I have definitely benefited from him. I know who I am today is largely in part from his influence. But beyond Danny, almost every day I am challenged by the blogs I read, comments put up on FB, and interactions with people out and about.
I get so passionate on things of faith, church, marriage, education, childcare, etc......it doesn't take much for me to rise up to a discussion especially on those topics.
- I feel so upset sometimes when Pastors/Writers that I listen to, respect and trust are taken out of context and random quotes are put on people's statuses to pigeon hole them into being a certain way. I start judging the judgers pretty quickly and its not usually with grace.
- I get upset when people don't value the Bible and when I hear people write off the Old Testament it makes me wonder how could someone actually not value those books. There is just so much we need to know about the Gospel and the WHOLE BIBLE is the context...not just the NT.
- I get upset when people break up, cheat or talk to their spouse disrespectfully, even though I have not mastered marriage yet myself. I want my marriage to last forever. I want my marriage to have the strongest friendship, to be connected, to remain and grow stronger to God and each other with each year. I am afraid of the years ahead that will distract us from building on the foundation of God and friendship.
- I want my own classroom so much so I can start implementing all the dreams and plans I have had for so many years of how to love and build into children consistently. I used to sketch out plans for a youth center when I was in high school. I used to dream about running an orphanage. I used to long to be a missionary in some beautiful exotic place....but I love my role as a traveling substitute here on the Island. I find myself exposed to people of all races, religions and backgrounds and I want to do more then be just a sub teacher that is there for one day at a time.
- I want to be a stay at home mom (someday...no babies yet, chill!!!) I want to be like most of my friends whose worlds revolve around loving their husbands and families. I want to have a house full of happy kids, but I am also scared to death that I won't be able to handle it or do it well.
All of these feelings come up when I read blogs. When I hear other women, doing it well. I want to have something to say too. I want to matter and make my voice strong and be a respected part of the community. But the more I think and grow, the more I feel I am revealed....and it ain't always good. I sometimes really want to avoid people, to avoid those healthy clashes, to stay home and listen to Tim Keller's sermons instead of attending a local church. I wish I could go to a small group where I would never have to leave frustrated or upset because of something someone else said. I wish Danny and I NEVER fought.
But I can see all these things are causing me to grow and be stretched and to discover new ways I can handle difficult situations. To be kind, when I just want to throttle. To be gentle, when I just want to argue. To be patient, when I just want MY way to be heard. I wish I could say I am growing in these areas, and I often ask Danny...."Am I getting better?" I know he wants to say yes, but I know its slow going! I am happy to be in a place of passion and learning and growth and I want to let God be evident through the hard things that make me feel upset. Its not easy. Nope. But I know its the best way to live.
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