HE is the Center!

Oh this past little season in my life has been an "interesting" time to say the least! There have been moments of awareness and present-ness....of feeling like the moment would NEVER pass...that the pain and uncomfortable conflict would just continue to build like those waves that just won't let up...

and then seasons of trying to push it all away and cover it with something...ANYTHING....maybe it was watching a full TV series of Drop Dead Diva....thats right...SERIES....It got me through some dark days! (funny show too!!!)

...and then days of just pure Joy and Excitement and just feeling connected to the world and the community and people...hearing from friends and connecting with acquaintances ..and sharing hearts and learning how to encourage people in the ways that really reach past the surface conversations...

This season has brought me into being counseled in my finances, marriage, friendships, church relationships and at times...even dealing with some dysfunction in friendships and family relationships!!

Some of this season has been just building really strong bonds and ties with my best friend Danny. Building memories, sharing meals, playing video games, spending time with Dan's (and mine almost) new nephew William, playing with other nephews, going to church, skipping church one week, buying a new car, rescuing that new car from the ditch mere hours later from a black ice scare (ABSOLUTELY NO DAMAGES...Praise the Lord).....Knowing Danny has made my life fuller and better and harder....but its even beyond THAT.....

This is a season that Christ has been present. He's been there hovering near and standing beside and encouraging from within and leading in front and protecting from behind and holding my hand and listening to my prayers and seeing beyond my selfishness and through all the places this season has taken me---- He's Here. He's Alive.

It's almost EASTER. I love Palm Sunday. I had the privilege of teaching this beautiful story to the kids in Sunday School this week. This story is so precious to me. Our Saviour had His OWN seasons of discomfort, of dysfunction within His family and friends, of encouraging masses and being hated by masses, of acceptance of a few and total rejection from many.
Palm Sunday shows that His humility is what separates Him from all other gods and idols that humanity worships. He came on a donkey's colt. His donkey walked on top of palm branches and people's coats and He was celebrated by people who would turn on Him days later. He accepted their imperfect worship even though He knew who and what they were truly made of.

I am not the center of my story.....(even though I often let myself be....)
HE IS.
HE IS HERE.
HE IS RISEN.
HE IS TO BE CELEBRATED.
HE IS THE CENTER.

Writing about Writing

When I first got my blog (back in the xanga days) it was because of my good friend Sean. He had a cool blog and I wrote my first entry about how personal it was to look into someone's eyes. I actually still remember the tiny bit of fear I had in posting something "out there" that I had personally written...and with time I discovered that the people who are reading it were ones who I could trust and who were just generally interested in me as a friend....I also realized that LURKERS were around every corner. I didn't like that I would see someone who was an acquaintance and have them know little details about my life that I had never directly told them or even knew that they knew...so I started to edit myself and also make things a bit more private and I definitely checked my stats and saw who was reading!

Now I read alot of blogs and I have found links to other blogs I like and I am actually a lurker. I read without commenting and I check peoples tumblr's and I have really started to enjoy being inspired by people who I will never talk to or know or even have direct communication via comments with. I have actually been edited from viewing a blog or two in my day! haha (I totally get it!!!)

But now I have started slowly blogging again, and to what end? My readers are still my faithful few...people who I would probably write emails to if I didn't have a blog...so in some ways I'm realizing that this blog is MY outlet.

I like getting comments...but I'm definitely not writing for them. I'm not doing cute activities so I have something to post...(thats what instagram's for! LOL) but I seriously do love the blogs I follow. They all inspire me for some reason or another. I have stopped following or reading blogs that I have no connection with...if someone doesn't inspire me or challenge me or even plain ol entertain me....there is millions of options so I don't have to read a boring blog these days anymore!

The ones I love the most though? My friends. The people I know. The lives that I follow for one reason or another....
maybe I enjoy the colors of their photos, the design of their house and the yummy recipes they post...
maybe I like to just hear what its like being a mama (which are the majority of the friends who post these days)
I like reading about people who have researched things and present an edited and concisely informative blog on the important points of why organic living is best, or different parenting techniques, or food and health concerns.
I really like reading people's spiritual journeys who are real and authentic...but what do I know? Blogs are only authentic to a point...so I take from it what I can and trust that God is working in ways I can't ever really know beyond the scope of what I can know.
I love reading personal stories about mamas who enjoy and love being a mama. It inspires me to know that there are mamas who are thrilled to be caretakers of their children, who find ways to invest in the futures of littles who will grow up to love Jesus, love life and love people.
I love reading stories about wives who seek to be encouraging friends to their husbands. I love reading about love but more than that---- I love reading about people who are just simply living their lives and feel comfortable sharing who they are through a blog.

The point of this blog is that I get that there are many reason for people to write. There are lots of angles people write to and reasons they write and goals in their writing. It can be a book opportunity, it can be to simply connect with friends near and far, it can be an outlet, it can be an escape from reality....it can just be a recording of important things they don't want to forget! All of these things are part of why I write (except the book thing).

I look forward to seeing where blogs will continue to impact the future. I love the trend and I see it growing in some ways and morphing into something else in others! I don't know! But to the bloggers I read and appreciate so much, I thank you for inspiring and challenging me and giving me a place to dream!

One of my favorite hymns

*great idea from a favorite blogger of mine, also one of my best readers!! lol*

Why do I like this song?
1. The first time I heard it was an adaptation in my church from my pastor and it has a beautiful arrangement of music
2. But more importantly, the words really speak to my heart of a life that has been changed from selfish thinking to Jesus centered thinking

HIMSELF
     by A. B. Simpson
Once it was the blessing, Now it is the Lord;
Once it was the feeling, Now it is His Word.
Once His gifts I wanted, Now the Giver own;
Once I sought for healing, Now Himself alone.

Once 'twas painful trying, Now 'tis perfect trust;
Once a half salvation, Now the uttermost.
Once 'twas ceaseless holding, Now He holds me fast;
Once 'twas constant drifting, Now my anchor's cast.

Once 'twas busy planning, Now 'tis trustful prayer;
Once 'twas anxious caring, Now He has the care.
Once 'twas what I wanted, Now what Jesus says;
Once 'twas constant asking, Now 'tis ceaseless praise.

Once it was my working, His it hence shall be;
Once I tried to use Him, Now He uses me.
Once the power I wanted, Now the Mighty One;
Once for self I labored, Now for Him alone.

Once I hoped in Jesus, Now I know He's mine;
Once my lamps were dying, Now they brightly shine.
Once for death I waited, Now His coming hail;
And my hopes are anchored, Safe within the vail.

Things that are good!!!

There are a few things that are good these days!

One of them is that I am starting to get my spark for wedding planning back! I am always subconsciously planning in my head but sometimes I'm avoiding it too. Its very overwhelming and expensive to plan a wedding...but I'm trying to just own the fact that our wedding will be very US. The ideas and plans that we have aren't fancy but they are things that we can make happen and I'm trying not to be too insecure about that. I've been reminded by a few different people to really just enjoy the planning and the stage I'm in and to remember that the reason I'm getting married is because I love my best friend and I want to spend the rest of my life loving him! So....the details aren't my favorite part of it all but I really do want to have a nice fun sunny day with the people I love the most in the world...and that does require planning so I'm trying to get back into it!! (ps. Thanks to my BIG GIANT PINK PLANNER given to me by one of my dearest friends and bridesmaid!!! Kristin!)

I've enjoyed being with my nephews lately! Last week I had a Jonah and Erin afternoon. We had the funnest time and he was thrilled to be at my apartment! He hasn't come over here much so its quite a treat! hahah I don't know why because there isn't much to do for kids here, but he packed his mini sticks, coloring books and Clubhouse magazine and that kept us entertained for awhile! We also made yummy chocolate chip with M&M's too! And Levi is such a cuddle bug and his little voice when he sings.....na, na, naaaaah.....so sweet and cute! We have all been sick but I think we are on the mend!

I have enjoyed reading and thinking about marriage. I have a few books on the go but they are usually bang on with what I need to hear or learn so I'm trusting that I will finish them all before the wedding! haha But I'm sure I'll be referencing them all for the rest of my life. Our marriage counseling has been intense but so good. I'm so glad we got a really good couple to do that with.

Sunday School is as sweet as ever. We are learning from the Beattitudes.....last weeks was Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness.....yes....that is a big theme these days!

I'm looking forward to seeing some of my favorite people in the world during my wedding week! I seriously am sooo overwhelmed that people are travelling HERE to see ME (and Dan hahah)!!! I am sooo happy about that! Its a big deal and when I try to even comprehend the costs....it makes me wish I could fly everyone here and have everyone stay in a comfortable cottage for free! I wish!

There are plenty of things that are breaking my heart and spirit these days...but I'm trying to look on the bright side of things...in this moment, at least!

I CANT WAIT TO GET MARRIED TO THIS GUY!

The painful best

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

― C.S. Lewis

I have had a bunch of posts brewing in my head...but I am a bit hesitant to actually bear my soul through this little window and instead I am choosing to think about what my mentor CS says...and its not easy at all. I don't like thinking that God's best is painful. I don't like standing inside conflict or even standing apart from it and viewing something that feels so broken and lost. I don't like the growing pains of being vulnerable to someone and letting them access the hurts and shame and even sharing in the good...the personal places that you are proud of but are shy about talking about sometimes. Its been a painful last few weeks and a painful last few years in a few areas...not to say there hasn't been GOOD! I have fallen in love, of course. I have finally gotten to experience teaching at all levels of elementary, and I have settled into a comfortable routine of spending time with my family and people I love on the place I love most in the world....PEI. These are all VERY good. 

But the pain is also there too. I am not yet in a full time financially secure job. My church community is in conflict and shrinking more and more each week and things are changing around here. People are changing and things are changing. 

I don't doubt that God knows best. Never that. I do know His best does involve pain. It has for His children in the past, it has for His only begotten Son and it will for me. 

But its hard! PAIN is not fun!