Timing

You ever just feel like your timing is off?  

As a sub teacher, I have realized that Timing is EVERYTHING! I have to be in the right place at the right time, or I just simply won't get work. There haven't been too many instances that this has really badly hurt me...but one time I was taking a shower, I came back to a missed call (aka...missed work) or sometimes I am booked for a half day and miss out on a full day of work (which happened this morning)...I can't just focus on the negative because there have been MANY opportunities I have had because of timing---I just "happened" to walk into a classroom that the teacher was frantically looking for a sub....or I just happened to be sitting in the staff room at lunch and the principal walks in and has an encouraging chat with me!

Those are all good! They are all part of life.

I just have had such a miserable last few weeks...and Dan keeps reminding me not to DWELL on the negative...he wants me to try to quickly move on when something disappointing happens and this is definitely NOT a skill I possess (yet). I still don't really know how to balance my personality with Dan's sometimes, but I can clearly see that God has brought us together for a reason because once we figure it out (which we usually do in the end) we do fit together like two perfect puzzle pieces!!! Sometimes we have to try a lot of different angles and take a lot of time and discussion to get there but we do balance each other and need each other for perspective.

I just feel so frustrated sometimes when I don't see the WHOLE picture...

I was listening to my fave speaker (Tim Keller---link to free sermons here) and he was reminding me that circumstances can often cause individuals to feel like WE are at the center.....
for example.... I got this work because I just so happened to leave my house at 11:05 and walk into the staff room at 12:01 because I forgot my lunch and had to go back into the house....etc....etc....
This is true. But at the same time....
I am not the center of the universe, there are a million other circumstances at hand and I am never the center of the universe....God is. GOD IS! GOD!!!!!

So although this morning I have been a little discouraged and when I feel down---it affects me...mind, body and soul....I literally just dwell on it but I do want to somehow "come around" by the end of this blog....I want to figure out how to look on the bright side of things...how to see the good in every situation...how to be thankful for the "1000 gifts" I have in my every day life...

I just wish I could figure out the formula to have everything work out perfectly (in my eyes)...but I am realizing more and more when I look from outside my selfish center of the universe eyes.... I really do find good.....
I just wish my faith would be bigger in these moments, but I am thankful for a Shepherd who leads, who holds and who is beside me....He is silent sometimes, but He is always there.

Oswald is one of my "go to" guys (along with CS Lewis and Soren K): 

“Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading.” 

― Oswald Chambers

my "elder" brother

I have an "elder" brother and I was just sitting here remembering when I was younger always wishing I had a big brother. One of my friends growing up had older brothers and although they teased her something fierce...I always knew that she would be protected and no matter what happened they would take care of her.
 My "elder" brother was the MOST amazing Camp Director I have ever worked with and through his leadership I have learned how to love and serve kids of all needs and backgrounds. (Ain't nobody who can do a jungle party like Uncle Jason!!!) I saw him make all my sister's dreams come true by being the man that she had waited for all her life. I became the "third wheel" on millions of road trips in every vehicle the paulino's owned (I so miss that white truck). And in my loneliest years...it was at their home that I felt the safest and most comfortable.

When I saw Jason holding Jonah (through a pic) and I couldn't imagine seeing him happier, except for when I saw him holding Levi last Christmas. I remember watching him in blue scrubs just watching his Levi under the bright lights in the hospital room and thinking about what a lucky little boy he was to have such great parents.

I have been so thankful to attend a church that I get to sit beside my sister's family every week. I feel lost when they aren't there, and feel so happy when I see them walk through the door (even if I had just seen them the night before). I am so thankful for FOUR godly men who have taken on the role of elders at our church, and I have prayed for them to feel love and support and to continue to be fully lead by Jesus. This has been a horrifically awkward and impossible situation to try to wade through emotions and disputes and disruptions in our church family, but I have been proud to watch and support my brother as he has done this with grace and steadfastness.

But one of the most important things my elder brother has done for me is to love the guy I love so much. Way back when I was confused about Danny.....it was ALWAYS Jay who believed that it would all work out in the end. When I brought Danny to meet Kris and Jay for the first time, I just knew that they were impressed and really liked him right away. But over the last (almost 2 years) I have seen Dan and Jay become friends. I am so unbelievably happy and grateful about that. And I am so happy that Dan chose Jay to be one of his groomsmen because Kris and Jay have both supported me and Dan from the very beginning with hours and hours of conversation, food and just being together.

Tonight I really felt like my "elder" brother really had my back. I felt like he really stood up for me and just took care of me (even though I wasn't even there) I just felt so happy to know that. I know things aren't always easy but I am so so so thankful for my brother Jay.

Meetings and more meetings-

The last few weeks have been filled with many many many kinds of meetings! Some were financial, some were marriage counseling, some were Church meetings and some were just plain ol wedding planning meetings...

I don't know about you but meetings can get really overwhelming...and leave me a little dried out! So last night me and Kristi had a girls night out on the town....which meant hitting up ardene (for new earings and scarves) and Winners and Walmart! Triple threat! It was so fun and just always feels nice to buy something little...honestly...our earrings were 5 for 10!!! HAH!

Anyways, I've been really remembering alot of people specifically this week and there has been alot of needs that can only be met by prayer. So many heavy things, dark things and painful things just overwhelm me and I sometimes just don't know what to do so I shut down and tune out. But I am trying to be really intentional this week to pray for people who come to mind and I know that there must be people doing the same for me! 

“Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work.”

― Oswald Chambers

We need PEOPLE!

(I have a new reader!!!! I will tell you a little about her which leads me into the topic that I have on my heart....but my new reader supports me and loves me so much! She has been an example to me for my whole entire life! She has served me, shown me what it means to be loyal to her family and husband, challenged me to be an OUTSTANDING cook, wonderful friend to her friends who ALL live away, taught me to love and cherish Christmas in my heart, and faithfully has followed and has loved Jesus her whole life too! Her name is Mom and I am happy she is enjoying my little blog!)

Anyways....
Here is what I have been learning this week especially! This is a HUGE HUGE time in my life. I have waited for a long time (but you have already heard that story) to find a man to love and love me. In the mean time, I have tried many different paths and most of all (like my sister says) I have always followed my heart. This has not always looked "good on paper" but I can honestly say that every choice I have ever made has been accompanied with prayers, advice and trusting myself to do the right thing in the end. So where I am----my career, finances, and even my relationship--- is very different then I would have ever planned it out back when I was 18.

I loved Bible College. I made an informed decision to go there with specific reasons which were: I wanted to learn more about God, I wanted to train myself in a career that was focused on God, missions and children, and I wanted to "get out of my comfort zone". I feel I was brave as a young teenager to leave all my friends, specifically some of my very best friends who were attending a local Bible school that my entire family, parents and grandparents had attended. I made this choice (perhaps a little stubbornly) but in the end because I felt this was the right choice for me.

I got so much from this school, but my most important resources that I gained that are still unbelievably important to me right now are: My true friends that I found there...I lovingly call them my Prairie girls (and I include Sean and Eric and Luke and all the "husbands") in this group. I am so thankful for them. I also gained a tremendous passion for philosophy--namely Soren K., and developed my mind and heart in the things of God and those things will never leave me and never be "irrelevant".

The down side is that I gained a HUGE debt that is still with me today. 

I have always longed to work in a place that I can develop my skills and heart to loving kids and when I get to also talk freely about God, I know that it is the place that I am the happiest. So the 7 years I spent at summer Bible camp are also choices that "never looked right on paper". But my decision to work with camp was also an informed one because I wanted to develop in my ministry and discipling and it was there that I also developed friendships that are still some of the most important to me. I am so blessed that one of my best friends in the whole world I met while driving to work at a camp in New York in 2003 and she is one of my "maids"!

The downside is that I never made alot of money at camp in the summer when I could have saved up and put that money towards my education and prevent having a huge debt now.

This week I have been defending my choices to myself (and in some cases to other people). I have made some really bad choices over the years (as everyone is bound to do sometimes) but all of the choices  have made me into who I am today. And something Danny said to me this week has remained deep in my heart....that he loves who I am and everything I have done has made me this way. He has challenged me and encouraged me to be believe in myself and together as a couple we are learning to really become a team. He teaches me so much about the way Jesus loves me. He is not perfect...(and its been a really rough hard week for us) but I have learned a lot from him this week.

When I got engaged, it made me really see how many people are really behind me and Dan. The people that write you messages, notes or just actually say to your face how happy they are that I am engaged really made me feel unbelievably overwhelmed with just how loved I am. The very first people that me and Dan told was our parents and our brothers and sisters---who are all the people who have prayed and built into us the most of anyone in the world! One sweet lady that has been praying for me forever gave me and Dan a gift certificate to go on a date to celebrate, Dan's best friend's mom that I only met a few times mailed me a card and even my landlords sent down a bouquet of flowers---these are little small things but make me feel loved and remembered and  cared for!

I want to lastly say that PEOPLE are an investment that I have always been encouraged to invest in (especially by my Mom). I know 100% that in my heritage, my history, my background, my family...that people are our greatest resource. My family is who I want to be with the most of anyone...and I always hear my sister say the same things. Its funny when that changes from when you are a teen to an adult...but as much as I adore my friends (who are scattered all over the globe at this point in time) I am so grateful that I have so much time to spend with my family and Dan's family.

All of this to say that although I am learning to make smarter choices with my career, money and finances and I am definitely always trying to become a better steward with what God gives me, I really do want to always keep the two things that Jesus COMMANDS us to do:

Love God and Love People.

Sundays

(I am struggling with figuring out how to handle transition, and somedays I am just upset and angry and annoyed at "church stuff" so this blog entry isn't the response my heart always has, but deep inside I know this is how God wants me to feel about the church He loves, so I know that this is just a piece of my heart and its just a part of the puzzle of how I really feel about the church)

For mostly my whole life, I have cared about the "CHURCH"...not just my local church or the people I see every Sunday for an hour or so, but for the whole global church family and all the hearts that are connected. Its been on my heart pretty heavy since I got home from Japan back in 2008, and we have been blessed to be part of a church that is just up the street.

We have ALSO been in transition as our pastors have moved on and we are left/blessed with elders who have served and given their time, effort and prayers to continue leading a flock that has dwindled in size and sometimes even in our resolve. But we meet on...We had a beautiful Christmas Eve service with the best version of The Little Drummer Boy I have ever heard...it was lovely, peaceful and I was surrounded by my family and Dan's. I am so thankful to go to a church that every week I sit beside my sister's family, I see Dan's mom on the projector, I see Dan's Dad greeting everyone with hugs, I hear my brother Jason preach, I get to teach my nephew in Sunday School....and the connections I am building--- I miss when I am not there.

Like yesterday, things just did not align for me and Dan to make it out to church, and this was the first one we missed together since we have dated.

I love waking up on Sundays. Its so peaceful in my house, and usually I am up for about an hour before I even have to get ready (although Dan would probably prefer I get ready a BIT earlier as he's usually patiently waiting for me by my door to do "one more thing"). I love that he picks me up for church.  We have a quiet drive there and then we get to walk hand in hand through the doors. Every Sunday (without fail) we get teased by Joe for being late. We walk past familiar faces, and are usually pulled into one or two hugs before we get to our seat. I greet my nephews with hugs or kisses, and look to the front and depending on how late we are...and start singing or look around to see who all is there. My eyes are always drawn to the door to see who will arrive next...and I love looking around and smiling and waving at the people I see each week. Sometimes I feel sad when I don't see faces and sometimes I am surprised when I see an old friend or acquaintance. Our church is very informal, so I usually just get up from where I am sitting to greet whoever it is right then and there... I don't have to wait till "shaking hands time"(this is probably disturbing...but it is just the way we are...hugging is very important I have learned over the years, to our church)

We are far from being put together. We are filled with servants. We are filled with people who are hurt. We are filled with sincerity and we are filled with pain. We have groups and cliques, but we are also a typical dysfunctional family. You can't talk bad about us, even if we echo the exact same feelings...we are family, and we will defend the FAMILY!

It is so hard to be in community. Community is always harder than solitude for me. I always feel so close to Jesus in my personal devotions or prayer, but the moment I interact with HIS sheep...they bug me and annoy me sooo much that I forget whatever lesson I was just meditating on when I was alone! Its all part of growing.

I love Sundays and when I miss church, I miss seeing everyone. I love listening to sermons online, reading my own devotions and Scripture, I love learning on my own, but I do need the "family time" on Sunday mornings and its important to me. This is so important to me to remember even as we are struggling to understand what is happening "next" at our church. Something is happening now!

We are together now, and this is crucial for us to be encouraging and loving each other in the NOW as we wait for tomorrow to unfold.

January Excitement

So far I have been so blessed with the first 4 days of a brand new year! I had a great family day on New Year's Day with a tasty Bredin Brunch and then a Stretch/MacDonald Family Potluck (on Dan's side of the family)! Danny and I were so worn out that we both had a much needed early alone night at our separate houses!! I missed him but it felt amazing just to be alone and chillin like a villain in my own comfy bed!

We tried to visit big sis on Weds, but there was blowy snowy roads so instead I had the exhilarating opportunity to help a dear friend return some bottles to the exchange! I really think I would adore an organizing business as it thrills me to my boots to get things into order! I actually am dreaming and planning in my head of one day just having EVERY single thing I own in one place....instead of scattered in every crevice of my own little apartment, my old bedroom and under my parents stairs! Oh man! I can't wait to just spread it out and get that into order when I move into my NEW place with Danny next June!!!

And I already had one and a half days of work! I am so excited! I need this so badly!

Anyways. I am encouraged by one of my favorite little aps on my ipod that sends me a C.S. Lewis quote a day and the last few have really blessed my heart! I am challenging myself to read more CS and Oswald Chambers this year and so far its been great!

I look forward to seeing what this year is going to bring and keep challenging myself to stay positive and to think, hope and believe the best in people and myself!

A fresh new start and some resolutions

I adore making lists and ideas and plans and hopes and dreams.....

pretty sure that is how most of my January 1st blogs and journal entries start because it is VERY true! I looooooooooove intentions! I love new plans of how to succeed!! I have the worst follow through and self control and I am not the most ambitious girl but I love to make these lists so I do and I will and I will keep looking back on all the years to try to see where and when I can see the little steps of improvement!

1. I want to read my Bible more consistently. I want to be intentional in writing out my prayers and listening to sermons when I get ready in the morning and waking up so I can start the day with at least a thought from C.S. Lewis or Oswald Chambers. I really want to read more C.S Lewis books and re-read at least some of my favorite parts of Soren Ks gems.

2. I want to be healthier inside and out in my body, mind and spirit...this is really big and hard to measure so what I mean is that I want to work out a little every day, I want TRUTH to be in my heart and I want to fill my mind with what is GOOD.

3. I want to be a better friend to the friends who live away. I want to visit the friends who live near us at least once a month. I want to babysit for all the littles of my friends/sisters and I want to play games with our families more.

4. I want to eat healthier and maybe even make a weekly plan so I can SEE how I am eating and plan it out! Maybe this will even help to save more money and freeze more meals to take to work.



5. I want to be wiser with my money. I want to spend one morning a week reading about finances (starting with this book---->) and using this program (it's free if anyone is looking for an online budget/money chart type of thing) I want to save more and give more and find ways to earn more!




6. I want to pray more intentionally for my church and actually DO something. One of my dreams is to start a blog for my church. There. I said it out loud so now maybe I will follow through on it. I want to be more involved in relationships there and maybe try to invite more people over for lunch or share meals or spend time with them after church and during the week and attend more events that our church offers.

7. I want to find a part time job for Saturdays to save money for my wedding and then to put directly on my debt. I want to work hard as a sub teacher and a tutor and with my birthday parties but also use my free time to be active and challenge myself to find creative ways to make money.

8.  I want to please God and serve Jesus....in every day life

9. I want to learn to be the best wife I can be to Danny. I want to listen more, interrupt less, serve more, love more, give more, show kindness, grace and gentleness in my speech and actions toward the man who loves me more than anyone in the world. I want to pray for him and lift his needs to Jesus first and think of myself less. I want to care about the things he does and spend time with the people he loves. I want to accept his love and not be insecure or doubtful and to think and believe the best in and about him.

10. I want to read more and watch TV less (This is gonna be hard!)