Writing about Writing

When I first got my blog (back in the xanga days) it was because of my good friend Sean. He had a cool blog and I wrote my first entry about how personal it was to look into someone's eyes. I actually still remember the tiny bit of fear I had in posting something "out there" that I had personally written...and with time I discovered that the people who are reading it were ones who I could trust and who were just generally interested in me as a friend....I also realized that LURKERS were around every corner. I didn't like that I would see someone who was an acquaintance and have them know little details about my life that I had never directly told them or even knew that they knew...so I started to edit myself and also make things a bit more private and I definitely checked my stats and saw who was reading!

Now I read alot of blogs and I have found links to other blogs I like and I am actually a lurker. I read without commenting and I check peoples tumblr's and I have really started to enjoy being inspired by people who I will never talk to or know or even have direct communication via comments with. I have actually been edited from viewing a blog or two in my day! haha (I totally get it!!!)

But now I have started slowly blogging again, and to what end? My readers are still my faithful few...people who I would probably write emails to if I didn't have a blog...so in some ways I'm realizing that this blog is MY outlet.

I like getting comments...but I'm definitely not writing for them. I'm not doing cute activities so I have something to post...(thats what instagram's for! LOL) but I seriously do love the blogs I follow. They all inspire me for some reason or another. I have stopped following or reading blogs that I have no connection with...if someone doesn't inspire me or challenge me or even plain ol entertain me....there is millions of options so I don't have to read a boring blog these days anymore!

The ones I love the most though? My friends. The people I know. The lives that I follow for one reason or another....
maybe I enjoy the colors of their photos, the design of their house and the yummy recipes they post...
maybe I like to just hear what its like being a mama (which are the majority of the friends who post these days)
I like reading about people who have researched things and present an edited and concisely informative blog on the important points of why organic living is best, or different parenting techniques, or food and health concerns.
I really like reading people's spiritual journeys who are real and authentic...but what do I know? Blogs are only authentic to a point...so I take from it what I can and trust that God is working in ways I can't ever really know beyond the scope of what I can know.
I love reading personal stories about mamas who enjoy and love being a mama. It inspires me to know that there are mamas who are thrilled to be caretakers of their children, who find ways to invest in the futures of littles who will grow up to love Jesus, love life and love people.
I love reading stories about wives who seek to be encouraging friends to their husbands. I love reading about love but more than that---- I love reading about people who are just simply living their lives and feel comfortable sharing who they are through a blog.

The point of this blog is that I get that there are many reason for people to write. There are lots of angles people write to and reasons they write and goals in their writing. It can be a book opportunity, it can be to simply connect with friends near and far, it can be an outlet, it can be an escape from reality....it can just be a recording of important things they don't want to forget! All of these things are part of why I write (except the book thing).

I look forward to seeing where blogs will continue to impact the future. I love the trend and I see it growing in some ways and morphing into something else in others! I don't know! But to the bloggers I read and appreciate so much, I thank you for inspiring and challenging me and giving me a place to dream!

One of my favorite hymns

*great idea from a favorite blogger of mine, also one of my best readers!! lol*

Why do I like this song?
1. The first time I heard it was an adaptation in my church from my pastor and it has a beautiful arrangement of music
2. But more importantly, the words really speak to my heart of a life that has been changed from selfish thinking to Jesus centered thinking

HIMSELF
     by A. B. Simpson
Once it was the blessing, Now it is the Lord;
Once it was the feeling, Now it is His Word.
Once His gifts I wanted, Now the Giver own;
Once I sought for healing, Now Himself alone.

Once 'twas painful trying, Now 'tis perfect trust;
Once a half salvation, Now the uttermost.
Once 'twas ceaseless holding, Now He holds me fast;
Once 'twas constant drifting, Now my anchor's cast.

Once 'twas busy planning, Now 'tis trustful prayer;
Once 'twas anxious caring, Now He has the care.
Once 'twas what I wanted, Now what Jesus says;
Once 'twas constant asking, Now 'tis ceaseless praise.

Once it was my working, His it hence shall be;
Once I tried to use Him, Now He uses me.
Once the power I wanted, Now the Mighty One;
Once for self I labored, Now for Him alone.

Once I hoped in Jesus, Now I know He's mine;
Once my lamps were dying, Now they brightly shine.
Once for death I waited, Now His coming hail;
And my hopes are anchored, Safe within the vail.

Things that are good!!!

There are a few things that are good these days!

One of them is that I am starting to get my spark for wedding planning back! I am always subconsciously planning in my head but sometimes I'm avoiding it too. Its very overwhelming and expensive to plan a wedding...but I'm trying to just own the fact that our wedding will be very US. The ideas and plans that we have aren't fancy but they are things that we can make happen and I'm trying not to be too insecure about that. I've been reminded by a few different people to really just enjoy the planning and the stage I'm in and to remember that the reason I'm getting married is because I love my best friend and I want to spend the rest of my life loving him! So....the details aren't my favorite part of it all but I really do want to have a nice fun sunny day with the people I love the most in the world...and that does require planning so I'm trying to get back into it!! (ps. Thanks to my BIG GIANT PINK PLANNER given to me by one of my dearest friends and bridesmaid!!! Kristin!)

I've enjoyed being with my nephews lately! Last week I had a Jonah and Erin afternoon. We had the funnest time and he was thrilled to be at my apartment! He hasn't come over here much so its quite a treat! hahah I don't know why because there isn't much to do for kids here, but he packed his mini sticks, coloring books and Clubhouse magazine and that kept us entertained for awhile! We also made yummy chocolate chip with M&M's too! And Levi is such a cuddle bug and his little voice when he sings.....na, na, naaaaah.....so sweet and cute! We have all been sick but I think we are on the mend!

I have enjoyed reading and thinking about marriage. I have a few books on the go but they are usually bang on with what I need to hear or learn so I'm trusting that I will finish them all before the wedding! haha But I'm sure I'll be referencing them all for the rest of my life. Our marriage counseling has been intense but so good. I'm so glad we got a really good couple to do that with.

Sunday School is as sweet as ever. We are learning from the Beattitudes.....last weeks was Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness.....yes....that is a big theme these days!

I'm looking forward to seeing some of my favorite people in the world during my wedding week! I seriously am sooo overwhelmed that people are travelling HERE to see ME (and Dan hahah)!!! I am sooo happy about that! Its a big deal and when I try to even comprehend the costs....it makes me wish I could fly everyone here and have everyone stay in a comfortable cottage for free! I wish!

There are plenty of things that are breaking my heart and spirit these days...but I'm trying to look on the bright side of things...in this moment, at least!

I CANT WAIT TO GET MARRIED TO THIS GUY!

The painful best

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

― C.S. Lewis

I have had a bunch of posts brewing in my head...but I am a bit hesitant to actually bear my soul through this little window and instead I am choosing to think about what my mentor CS says...and its not easy at all. I don't like thinking that God's best is painful. I don't like standing inside conflict or even standing apart from it and viewing something that feels so broken and lost. I don't like the growing pains of being vulnerable to someone and letting them access the hurts and shame and even sharing in the good...the personal places that you are proud of but are shy about talking about sometimes. Its been a painful last few weeks and a painful last few years in a few areas...not to say there hasn't been GOOD! I have fallen in love, of course. I have finally gotten to experience teaching at all levels of elementary, and I have settled into a comfortable routine of spending time with my family and people I love on the place I love most in the world....PEI. These are all VERY good. 

But the pain is also there too. I am not yet in a full time financially secure job. My church community is in conflict and shrinking more and more each week and things are changing around here. People are changing and things are changing. 

I don't doubt that God knows best. Never that. I do know His best does involve pain. It has for His children in the past, it has for His only begotten Son and it will for me. 

But its hard! PAIN is not fun!

Timing

You ever just feel like your timing is off?  

As a sub teacher, I have realized that Timing is EVERYTHING! I have to be in the right place at the right time, or I just simply won't get work. There haven't been too many instances that this has really badly hurt me...but one time I was taking a shower, I came back to a missed call (aka...missed work) or sometimes I am booked for a half day and miss out on a full day of work (which happened this morning)...I can't just focus on the negative because there have been MANY opportunities I have had because of timing---I just "happened" to walk into a classroom that the teacher was frantically looking for a sub....or I just happened to be sitting in the staff room at lunch and the principal walks in and has an encouraging chat with me!

Those are all good! They are all part of life.

I just have had such a miserable last few weeks...and Dan keeps reminding me not to DWELL on the negative...he wants me to try to quickly move on when something disappointing happens and this is definitely NOT a skill I possess (yet). I still don't really know how to balance my personality with Dan's sometimes, but I can clearly see that God has brought us together for a reason because once we figure it out (which we usually do in the end) we do fit together like two perfect puzzle pieces!!! Sometimes we have to try a lot of different angles and take a lot of time and discussion to get there but we do balance each other and need each other for perspective.

I just feel so frustrated sometimes when I don't see the WHOLE picture...

I was listening to my fave speaker (Tim Keller---link to free sermons here) and he was reminding me that circumstances can often cause individuals to feel like WE are at the center.....
for example.... I got this work because I just so happened to leave my house at 11:05 and walk into the staff room at 12:01 because I forgot my lunch and had to go back into the house....etc....etc....
This is true. But at the same time....
I am not the center of the universe, there are a million other circumstances at hand and I am never the center of the universe....God is. GOD IS! GOD!!!!!

So although this morning I have been a little discouraged and when I feel down---it affects me...mind, body and soul....I literally just dwell on it but I do want to somehow "come around" by the end of this blog....I want to figure out how to look on the bright side of things...how to see the good in every situation...how to be thankful for the "1000 gifts" I have in my every day life...

I just wish I could figure out the formula to have everything work out perfectly (in my eyes)...but I am realizing more and more when I look from outside my selfish center of the universe eyes.... I really do find good.....
I just wish my faith would be bigger in these moments, but I am thankful for a Shepherd who leads, who holds and who is beside me....He is silent sometimes, but He is always there.

Oswald is one of my "go to" guys (along with CS Lewis and Soren K): 

“Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading.” 

― Oswald Chambers

my "elder" brother

I have an "elder" brother and I was just sitting here remembering when I was younger always wishing I had a big brother. One of my friends growing up had older brothers and although they teased her something fierce...I always knew that she would be protected and no matter what happened they would take care of her.
 My "elder" brother was the MOST amazing Camp Director I have ever worked with and through his leadership I have learned how to love and serve kids of all needs and backgrounds. (Ain't nobody who can do a jungle party like Uncle Jason!!!) I saw him make all my sister's dreams come true by being the man that she had waited for all her life. I became the "third wheel" on millions of road trips in every vehicle the paulino's owned (I so miss that white truck). And in my loneliest years...it was at their home that I felt the safest and most comfortable.

When I saw Jason holding Jonah (through a pic) and I couldn't imagine seeing him happier, except for when I saw him holding Levi last Christmas. I remember watching him in blue scrubs just watching his Levi under the bright lights in the hospital room and thinking about what a lucky little boy he was to have such great parents.

I have been so thankful to attend a church that I get to sit beside my sister's family every week. I feel lost when they aren't there, and feel so happy when I see them walk through the door (even if I had just seen them the night before). I am so thankful for FOUR godly men who have taken on the role of elders at our church, and I have prayed for them to feel love and support and to continue to be fully lead by Jesus. This has been a horrifically awkward and impossible situation to try to wade through emotions and disputes and disruptions in our church family, but I have been proud to watch and support my brother as he has done this with grace and steadfastness.

But one of the most important things my elder brother has done for me is to love the guy I love so much. Way back when I was confused about Danny.....it was ALWAYS Jay who believed that it would all work out in the end. When I brought Danny to meet Kris and Jay for the first time, I just knew that they were impressed and really liked him right away. But over the last (almost 2 years) I have seen Dan and Jay become friends. I am so unbelievably happy and grateful about that. And I am so happy that Dan chose Jay to be one of his groomsmen because Kris and Jay have both supported me and Dan from the very beginning with hours and hours of conversation, food and just being together.

Tonight I really felt like my "elder" brother really had my back. I felt like he really stood up for me and just took care of me (even though I wasn't even there) I just felt so happy to know that. I know things aren't always easy but I am so so so thankful for my brother Jay.

Meetings and more meetings-

The last few weeks have been filled with many many many kinds of meetings! Some were financial, some were marriage counseling, some were Church meetings and some were just plain ol wedding planning meetings...

I don't know about you but meetings can get really overwhelming...and leave me a little dried out! So last night me and Kristi had a girls night out on the town....which meant hitting up ardene (for new earings and scarves) and Winners and Walmart! Triple threat! It was so fun and just always feels nice to buy something little...honestly...our earrings were 5 for 10!!! HAH!

Anyways, I've been really remembering alot of people specifically this week and there has been alot of needs that can only be met by prayer. So many heavy things, dark things and painful things just overwhelm me and I sometimes just don't know what to do so I shut down and tune out. But I am trying to be really intentional this week to pray for people who come to mind and I know that there must be people doing the same for me! 

“Prayer does not fit us for the greater work; prayer is the greater work.”

― Oswald Chambers